User:Prophet
From Voice of the Proletariat
Contents |
prophet
I have corgis, as my naBBit icons probably still show. I like a decent conversation. I don't often get angry at the conversation these days. And while I'm not conversing (which is a lot), I'm usually lurking or working.
Also, I usually tag intentionally trollerrific discussions with "i like boobies" for levity. Sometimes with "penis" just to balance the sexuality of the levity.
Copypasta
Every now and again, I create delicious copypasta for the masses to consume. I hope to see some of my sad, sad work somewhere else besides bN. Doubtful, but we can all dream. ;)
Little Tommy Denkins
From: An essay? Are you serious?
Describe in great detail how it is that teabagging became the central premise of barracks life. Scores were kept. A man's self-esteem within the unit was based solely on how many teabags he gave. Pictures were worth bonus points. Describe how the game evolved to roaming marauders of teabagging bandits split up your barracks into gangs and no one felt safe to sleep at night. That is until young Tommy, 18 years of age... right out of high school. Kind of nerdy. Kept to himself. Had a teabag ratio of three dozen against to one for... and that one did him in. You see, the barracks bully passed out drunk one night and in a fit of bravado, Tommy Denkins did the undreamable, and teabagged the uber-teabagger, Bill Fruthph. Sure he was pushed into it, the cheers of his fellow compatriots swept him up. You were involved. You were proud of little Tommy Denkins. Someone, some asshole, one of Bill's buttbuddies most likely, told Bill the next day over hangover coffee at the cafeteria. What followed was 3 weeks of the most brutal torture one grown man ever spent on another. Tommy was fraught. More quiet than ever. He seemed suicidal. You went to the Sergeant about his disposition but the Sergeant didn't listen to you. And then one night it happened. Tommy was asleep on his cot when Bill came over and prepared to do the awesome. A teabag on the open, snoring mouth of Tommy Denkins. Bill's friends had cameras at the ready. It was to be legendary. Bill pulled out the sack of dangly bits, and gingerly, ever so gently, placed them in the warm mouth of Tommy Denkns. And then it happened. Just as the picture snapped, little Tommy Denkins, the timid, young boy... bit the sack right off of Bill Fruthph. Bill's howls of pain echoed throughout the quad. Tommy's mouth was a bloody mess of hatred and evil. The Sergeant came into the barracks. He sees five jackholes holding cameras in utter shock and disgust. Staring at Tommy Denkins, mouth full of blood and balls. And upon walking closer, the tortured soul of Bill Fruthph, master tea-bagger. No one saw Tommy ever again. Bill was rumored to be in the medical ward, finding ways to kill himself or mutiliate his body further. Some say that they were both eventually Section 8'ed out of the Corps. But one thing's for certain, the legend of Tommy Denkins will live on forever.
Money Rant in F Major
From: Do You Want "In God We Trust" Deleted From Our Currency??
You want your money to be meaningful, put a big fucking middle finger on the one dollar bill. Want meaningful money? Put a joint on the five dollar bill. Put a dude getting a handjob from a toothless woman on the 10. In fact, if you want tradition, put George Washington flipping you off, Abe Lincoln smokin' a doobie, and Hamilton getting his weed whacked by Dolly fucking Madison, on the one, five, and ten, respectively.
I need a nice tight ass on the 20. A pair of bouncing boobies on the 50, and full frontal nudity on a 100 dollar bill. I want a 1000 dollar bill of Steve Jobs yanking his peen and jiggling his hormonally-imbalanced nutsack. I suppose we will need to make the money out of those cards that change picture based on perspective.
Fuck it. I want a 3 dollar bill that's entirely rainbow-colored. I want three versions of the 69 dollar bill, with mutual oral for any sexual orientation. Transsexuals need not apply. No need to see a chick with a bigger dick than mine on something in my fucking wallet. That will not go over well with the Missus.
If you want real America, but you're a Puritanical cunt, you might want to go with guns on your money. I propose a picture of a Glock on a 9 dollar bill. A 22 on the 22, a 35 on the 35, a 44 on the 44, and a 357 on the 357. The 1000 dollar bill? Nuclear fucking weapons. A mushroom cloud with "In God We Trust" underneath.
People in this country are so goddamn dumb we'll need pictures of what the money's worth on the fucking money. A 99 dollar bill with a fucking iPod on it. A 5 dollar bill with a Happy Meal on it. A 600 dollar bill with a shitty computer on it. Running Windows Vista. A 3000 dollar bill with a good computer on it. Running Mac OS X. A 200 dollar bill with a picture of a computer running Linux. With a toothless woman jerking off the penguin.
Can we squeeze pictures of migrant workers on a penny? Fields of them looking for work? Goddamn I hope so. I also want a penny that has no pictures on it, but one word: Thoughts. And while I'm near the subject verbally, how come you give me a penny for my thoughts, and then I give you two cents? Fuck you, that's robbery. I'm not talking to you anymore.
I want a nickel made out of nickel. No picture, no nothing. Fuck you and figure it out.
I want a dime with a picture of Jim Morrison on it so I can put it on his grave and feel the earth rumble from his spinning ceaselessly.
Quarters are so damn good, we're going to need more than one. I propose that we issue a series of minted quarters in regular coinage, gold, silver, and platinum offering a pictoral retrospective of all the shit you USED to buy with a fucking quarter.
Can I get a half-dollar with a picture of a dollar ripped in half? YES. WE. CAN. If its everyone-gets-what-they-want-day with the government, and the money off the press is flowing like wine, why the hell not? Can we go McDonalds and get a "Double Quarter"? I think so. Get a silver dollar with "Quadruple Quarter" and "Double Half-Dollar".
And while we're talking math, if I can't get a bill for e and pi, then fuck you. I want a bill for (e + pi)i ... with a toothless woman whacking them off. In my mind.
Dear Lord
From: Submitted as a discussion. Heh.
Dear Lord-
Thank You for allowing me to be alive to see the first black man be the President of the United States. It has been a long, hard struggle for many, many people--especially the black man in question! Bless him and protect him and his family, and give him the wisdom and judgment required to run our country in one of the most perilous times that I can remember.
Speaking of which, thank You for not allowing Your pet dumbass to wreck this country far beyond recognition. I also continue to seek confirmation that Dick Cheney is not an operative of The Enemy despite working for You. Somehow. I know You work in mysterious ways, but I've always struggled with that one. I am happy that you have humor enough to force those idiots to find jobs in this job market.
While I'm thinking about dumbassity, I would like to re-iterate my request for blessing and protecting Obama. Mainly because we can't afford Joe Biden shooting his mouth off from the highest office in the land. He makes me think You gave him the blessings of the so-called "gift of gab" coupled with functional retardation.
Bless and keep the Democrats, and give them the wisdom not to pull the trigger while aiming at their own fucking feet. I pray that the Republicans stay the party of southern white men--and the women who love/put up with/are too scared to leave them. I pray that Republicans continue to be the party of really stupid motherfuckers or people who are so smart that they believe the best method to solve a problem is the most counter-intuitive method in existence. I pray that they never look up the definition of counter-intuitive or realize what that word means on their own.
Now to reiterate some previous prayers from our past talks... Please Lord, kill all the people who thought teaching the Bible and Your people's lie, Intelligent Design, in science classes. I'm thinking specifically Texas and Louisiana these days. Please Lord, destroy the souls of all reporters who ask stupid questions. Including and especially Larry King. Please inspire enemies of the our nation, foreign and domestic, to find You by eating the barrel of their guns. I continue to pray for child molesters to find their way to Hell, and that their punishment involves having their genitals dipped in oil and set ablaze, only to heal painfully and the process start over again.
Please teach Your people not to lie to those who know better. Please give people the wisdom to realize that being holy and full of shit are mutually exclusive phenomenon. Please allow gay people to go to Heaven, because the concept of dogmatic law and conservative religious policy right now imply that Your people intentionally want homosexuals go to Hell.
I continue to pray for a sign that televangelists, abortion clinic bombers, and other pseudo-religious pigfuckers are not in heaven right now. I continue to pray that Your story of creation was an allegory, that we are all here by chance, a little luck, and a lot of spirit. I continue to pray that this is all an accident that you helped make, and that the vast universe is eleventy billion times more awesome than I already think it is. And I continue to pray that you stay pretty cool.
I pray for my salvation and the salvation of others. But if they don't want salvation, then they don't get harassed by religious fuckwads and Jehovah's Witnesses. I pray that people get to live their lives, and everyone be good to one another.
And again, thanks for Obama. So far, so good.
In Your name,
Amen
